I Regret Sending That Email
Debilitating perfectionism and crushing anxiety (but otherwise writing is fun)
The day before yesterday, I sent out a new micro-essay to my subscribers. It was riddled with errors and typos. There were passages that didn’t land and story beats that didn’t make sense.
I needed to get it off my plate. I had a workshop to teach that night, and I’m a slow writer who goes through 40,000 drafts no matter what the thing is. It takes me so long to get a narrative even close to a thing that works. And don’t even talk to me about taking out commas and then putting them back in. I will waste an afternoon rewriting a sign-off at the end of an email.
I knew if I didn’t finish the essay that day, I’d lose my mind. But I hate that the email went out.
After class, long after the post landed in real people’s inboxes, I went back and picked at the piece for longer than I feel comfortable admitting. It’s better now, but I’m not going in again to make sure.
Why am I saying this…
I know it’s important for writers and artists and teachers and other creatives to talk honestly about perfectionism and anxiety and shame and vulnerability and imposter syndrome.
I know what I’m trying to say has something to do with the fuckery of time and the human brain and childhood and capitalism and whatever that middle ground is between writing a good essay and flipping a table.
I know this is a reminder to myself, and I’m sharing it for anyone who might find it useful or resonant, but I haven’t yet figured out what it actually is.
I know I don’t always feel better when I write (I mean, that much is clear), but even with all the perpetual mind-body madness, somehow I still feel worse when I don’t.
I’ll be editing this post until November.
*SEND*
What a great post, Blaise. I appreciate your writing what we -- writers, artists, performers, teachers, etc -- all experience but do not always share. I feel less alone after reading this!
It all comes down to these lines of yours:
"I know I don’t always feel better when I write (I mean, that much is clear), but even with all the perpetual mind-body madness, somehow I still feel worse when I don’t."
Somehow I was following you on here but not subscribed. Fixed that! I took one of your classes a few years ago. Hope all is well.