I have questions.
What the fuck do you mean it’s August?
Why did The Residence get canceled and nominated for an Emmy at the same time?
Who will be the next celebrity to go on the Bezos cock-rocket ship and when it doesn’t make it back down to the ground will the celebrity be Leonardo DiCaprio?
What if on Mars right now it's just Anne Hathaway?
Why did I look up labubu?
Is there an ad blocker for your brain?
Whatever happened to me knowing how to use a computer?
Whatever happened to drowning in quicksand as a danger that lurked in every corner?
Does anyone remember the month of June?
When do we run out of superhero movies?
Why is Substack like this and why am I on it?
Who has more tabs open, me or me?
Why does the New York Times think I’ll resubscribe if I only have to pay one dollar for their bullshit?
Why do dogs have toe beans that smell like Fritos and why haven’t they bottled it yet?
Why have I lived this long without seeing a man slip on a banana peel in real life?
Why does it take two to four years to become a law enforcement officer in Europe and in America it takes “several months”?
Which lawsuit are they filing five minutes from now?
Why is the worst person in the world so many people?
Yes, but which country is actually the best one to live in? Asking for a multi-ethnic friend.
Why can’t pets peacefully pass away when we do and not a moment before?
Have you ever seen a baby pigeon?
Whatever happened to the pu pu platter?
Can I be in a relationship but not have to have them in my space, not have to meet their family, go out with their friends, or ride bikes with them everywhere, yes or no?
How long will it take someone to find my body when I choke to death on a Cheez-It?
Why can't I ever find where the buttons are on the web screen?
Why does The New Yorker online have book links to Amazon?
When will Hulu pick up The Residence and why isn’t anyone calling their representatives about it?
How do I self-report myself?
What’s Tom Cruise doing with his time?
Where is Shelley Miscavidge?
Why was the first R-rated movie I snuck into “The Mean Season”?
When is it too much peanut butter?
Why are movie theater screens the same size as streaming?
Why do people tell you the price is reasonable when actually for you the price is a billion dollars?
Why hasn't Lumon gotten back to me about my application?
Why is Adrien Brody?
Why do I drop everything on the floor all the time?
Why have I turned into my parents after explicitly stating several times aloud that I would never turn into my parents?
Why are all the late night talk show hosts white men and who is doing anything about it?
Why does a 6 oz cup of coffee cost twenty hundred dollars?
Why am I like this?
Why is Kardashian?
Where did all the Black Lives Matter signs go, because I thought they’d be in the windows until every black person in this country was “safe” or did I misunderstand white women who thought putting up signs would save us?
ANYWAY
Why do people say silverfish are harmless when they can totally crawl across you while you’re sleeping?
Is this menopause?
Why do people still cough without covering their mouth?
Why do I trip over nothing?
Is this covid or giving up on life?
How many things do I forget?
Is anyone having trouble hearing movie dialogue to the point where they have to turn on subtitles, and, if so, are they younger than me, or no?
How does anybody do the dishes?
Why hasn't anyone come up with a better way to defrost a fridge?
Why am I always going to the bathroom at the same time as my 80-something upstairs neighbor and why is he always going to the bathroom at the same time as me?
How long must we as a country wait for a viable explanation for Keith Urban?
Why does every ER attendant look like they just graduated from 9th grade?
Do biracial people get half reparations, or what?
Whatever happened to reparations?
Why does my shoulder still hurt from four weeks ago when I opened the medicine cabinet?
Why hasn’t the world stopped?
What happened to *67?
How do we get Chadwick Boseman and Malcolm Jamal Warner back?
How do you go on vacation?
How do you open this?
Why do you have to write your book if you want to finish your book?
Why do people at the coffee shop put their feet on the chair and why do they pretend like they don’t know I’m staring at them and also taking their picture?
Why is scanning items at the grocery store irritating and satisfying at the same time?
Whatever happened to the 2010s?
How much microdosing is equal to or greater than macrodosing?
What was before dad jokes?
How many microplastics are in me or is it menopause?
How many more pages until the end of the internet?
Why is every song the theme song from “Taxi”?
Blaise Allysen Kearsley is a writer, teacher, coach, and the founder of the HOW I LEARNED live show and online magazine. For more than you need to know, visit blaiseallysenkearsley.com.
You are so so clever & funny. I just love this. Tx!
Love this!